Opening scene - The State Funeral of Jacques Chirac, World Leaders lining the pews of a cathedral.
In bursts Prime Minister Boris Johnson halfway through Ave Maria, tripping over the floral tributes and accidentally squeezing the thighs of a few female mourners on the way to the front. He takes a pew between Emmanuel Macron and Angela Merkel. It's like the final scene from Ocean's Eleven (Not the George Clooney version, the far better Rat Pack original).
As the eulogies are being delivered Johnson leans over to Macron and Merkel & whispers at the top of his voice:
"Hey lads, I've got a plan. I've finally got a plan!"
M&M look at him, shocked that he would interrupt a funeral, and more shocked that he has a plan.
BJ: "No hard border in Ireland. Cracked it. I was looking at a map of Ireland with this thin line while I was painting a bus on a bit of wood & I suddenly thought 'Hang on, what if it's more of a s-m-e-a-r?'"
Blank looks. Johnson produces a diagram from his pocket and unfolds it, knocking off a woman's hat in the process.
BJ: "No poxy old thin border, but a fantastic 20-mile wide area with Customs Clearance sites all over. A Non-border, with Non-checkpoints and Non-guards. Loads of Non-guards. Some with guns."
Angela Merkel whispers: "But won't that mean checks at the EU and UK sides of the area anyway? So, actually two borders?"
BJ: "Well, yes, sort of, but - technology will sort that. A kind of DMZ. Well, more of a MZ probably, but you get the idea."
Angela Merkel looks at the map:
"Armagh, Crossmaglen, Derry - all of these places are within 10 miles of the border, so they'd be inside this zone?"
BJ: "Not a clue old gal, can't quite make it out. I painted over quite a lot of the map with my Non-border. I know there's some cracking pubs in Dublin but that's about it."
EM: "And what about goods moving within the 20-mile zone but between the UK & EU? There'd still need to be checks at the Irish border?"
BJ: "Well obviously some. But - Technology lads, we'd monitor their phones y'see, track 'em."
AM: "The people of Ireland may not take kindly to having their phones monitored."
BJ: "Well I can understand that - I wouldn't want MY phone monitored. The picture messages alone would make your hair curl! But only where they're going to old gal."
EM: "So lorries wouldn't be able to stop at, say, petrol stations & load up with contraband?"
BJ: "Oh, baah, oops, hadn't thought of that, but we'll think of something. Why the negativity Emmanuel my old mate?"
EM: "Well you said there would be no border in Ireland and so far we're up to three.
BJ: "Actually, four, because stuff would have to be checked coming across the Irish sea, it could land anywhere."
EM: "And your s-m-e-a-r contains about 15% of all the people on the Island of Ireland."
AM : "And having border checks breaks the Good Friday Agreement..."
BJ: "It'll all work out fine, trust me, I'm a man of my word."
Silence.
BJ: "So all you have to do is accept my plan. Admittedly it's not as good as the old plan but I've told everyone that the old plan is dead, and as I say I'm a man of my word."
EM: "Even if we accept it won't you struggle to get this new plan passed in Parliament?"
BJ: "Ah, well, no because the second, even more cunning part of my plan is that you have to announce up front that you won't allow any extension, so it's My Deal or No Deal on 31st of October - Do or Die!"
M&M: "Well that's really down to the EU negotiating team, if they don't like the deal..."
BJ: "Yes but we all know you are really pulling all the strings - you need to sell all those German cars & that French wine to the UK. Don't forget You Need Us more then We Need You. Just have a word with whatsisname."
M&M: "So if we do that, and Ireland accepts three borders..."
BJ: "Four."
M&M: "Sorry, four, and we convince the EU27 to veto any more extensions, you'll be able to get all of parliament behind you?"
BJ: "Well, all except the Brexiters, obviously they'll vote against it. They put me in Number 10 because they really want No Deal. Some of them may go for it now they're in my cabinet, and Nicky Morgan & Matt Hancock will vote for ANYTHING I tell them to. But enough, probably."
AM: "What will you do to those Tory MPs who don't back you?"
BJ: "Same as last time - sack them from the party! Show of strength, it worked before and it'll work again. I've manage really well so far with a majority of Minus 44, I've got a 100% record in parliament!"
EM: "And if you get enough votes to pass the WA in commons then we will definitely have a deal?"
BJ: "Well, after the WA is passed I could refuse to bring a Bill implementing WA & get No Deal anyway, to stop my ERG mates kicking me out of Number 10. But the main thing is the Benn Bill, sorry SURRENDER BILL, will be crushed!"
Silence. In the background a coffin starts to move slowly towards the curtains.
BJ: "Erm, oh, harrumph, but of course I wouldn't do that - you can trust me. Loads of people trust me, two ex-wives and Nicky Morgan for a start."
M&M: "What happens if we reject this clearly nonsensical plan and say if the UK asks we will allow an extension?"
BJ: "Ah - then you fall for my real plan of blaming the EU and Commons for blocking Brexit which would have gone swimmingly if only everyone had just done exactly what I wanted. I'll resign & go down in history as the shortest serving PM ever (checks watch) then sweep all before me at a People Versus Parliament General Election, to achieve my Final Triumph. Well, technically my first triumph since entering Number 10, but you get the idea."
Merkel and Macron stare.
BJ: "Oh, harrumph, hang on, I didn't mean to say that last bit out loud, can we pretend I didn't? Just forget that last bit & help me get my Brexit plan in place."
The curtains close behind the coffin of Jacques Chirac and people rise from their seats.
BJ: "Well that's the dull bit over, where's the wake? Let's go & have a drink and talk about how great I am!"
"Lads?"
"Come back lads."
"LADS!"
<scene>
In bursts Prime Minister Boris Johnson halfway through Ave Maria, tripping over the floral tributes and accidentally squeezing the thighs of a few female mourners on the way to the front. He takes a pew between Emmanuel Macron and Angela Merkel. It's like the final scene from Ocean's Eleven (Not the George Clooney version, the far better Rat Pack original).
As the eulogies are being delivered Johnson leans over to Macron and Merkel & whispers at the top of his voice:
"Hey lads, I've got a plan. I've finally got a plan!"
M&M look at him, shocked that he would interrupt a funeral, and more shocked that he has a plan.
BJ: "No hard border in Ireland. Cracked it. I was looking at a map of Ireland with this thin line while I was painting a bus on a bit of wood & I suddenly thought 'Hang on, what if it's more of a s-m-e-a-r?'"
Blank looks. Johnson produces a diagram from his pocket and unfolds it, knocking off a woman's hat in the process.
BJ: "No poxy old thin border, but a fantastic 20-mile wide area with Customs Clearance sites all over. A Non-border, with Non-checkpoints and Non-guards. Loads of Non-guards. Some with guns."
Angela Merkel whispers: "But won't that mean checks at the EU and UK sides of the area anyway? So, actually two borders?"
BJ: "Well, yes, sort of, but - technology will sort that. A kind of DMZ. Well, more of a MZ probably, but you get the idea."
Angela Merkel looks at the map:
"Armagh, Crossmaglen, Derry - all of these places are within 10 miles of the border, so they'd be inside this zone?"
BJ: "Not a clue old gal, can't quite make it out. I painted over quite a lot of the map with my Non-border. I know there's some cracking pubs in Dublin but that's about it."
EM: "And what about goods moving within the 20-mile zone but between the UK & EU? There'd still need to be checks at the Irish border?"
BJ: "Well obviously some. But - Technology lads, we'd monitor their phones y'see, track 'em."
AM: "The people of Ireland may not take kindly to having their phones monitored."
BJ: "Well I can understand that - I wouldn't want MY phone monitored. The picture messages alone would make your hair curl! But only where they're going to old gal."
EM: "So lorries wouldn't be able to stop at, say, petrol stations & load up with contraband?"
BJ: "Oh, baah, oops, hadn't thought of that, but we'll think of something. Why the negativity Emmanuel my old mate?"
EM: "Well you said there would be no border in Ireland and so far we're up to three.
BJ: "Actually, four, because stuff would have to be checked coming across the Irish sea, it could land anywhere."
EM: "And your s-m-e-a-r contains about 15% of all the people on the Island of Ireland."
AM : "And having border checks breaks the Good Friday Agreement..."
BJ: "It'll all work out fine, trust me, I'm a man of my word."
Silence.
BJ: "So all you have to do is accept my plan. Admittedly it's not as good as the old plan but I've told everyone that the old plan is dead, and as I say I'm a man of my word."
EM: "Even if we accept it won't you struggle to get this new plan passed in Parliament?"
BJ: "Ah, well, no because the second, even more cunning part of my plan is that you have to announce up front that you won't allow any extension, so it's My Deal or No Deal on 31st of October - Do or Die!"
M&M: "Well that's really down to the EU negotiating team, if they don't like the deal..."
BJ: "Yes but we all know you are really pulling all the strings - you need to sell all those German cars & that French wine to the UK. Don't forget You Need Us more then We Need You. Just have a word with whatsisname."
M&M: "So if we do that, and Ireland accepts three borders..."
BJ: "Four."
M&M: "Sorry, four, and we convince the EU27 to veto any more extensions, you'll be able to get all of parliament behind you?"
BJ: "Well, all except the Brexiters, obviously they'll vote against it. They put me in Number 10 because they really want No Deal. Some of them may go for it now they're in my cabinet, and Nicky Morgan & Matt Hancock will vote for ANYTHING I tell them to. But enough, probably."
AM: "What will you do to those Tory MPs who don't back you?"
BJ: "Same as last time - sack them from the party! Show of strength, it worked before and it'll work again. I've manage really well so far with a majority of Minus 44, I've got a 100% record in parliament!"
EM: "And if you get enough votes to pass the WA in commons then we will definitely have a deal?"
BJ: "Well, after the WA is passed I could refuse to bring a Bill implementing WA & get No Deal anyway, to stop my ERG mates kicking me out of Number 10. But the main thing is the Benn Bill, sorry SURRENDER BILL, will be crushed!"
Silence. In the background a coffin starts to move slowly towards the curtains.
BJ: "Erm, oh, harrumph, but of course I wouldn't do that - you can trust me. Loads of people trust me, two ex-wives and Nicky Morgan for a start."
M&M: "What happens if we reject this clearly nonsensical plan and say if the UK asks we will allow an extension?"
BJ: "Ah - then you fall for my real plan of blaming the EU and Commons for blocking Brexit which would have gone swimmingly if only everyone had just done exactly what I wanted. I'll resign & go down in history as the shortest serving PM ever (checks watch) then sweep all before me at a People Versus Parliament General Election, to achieve my Final Triumph. Well, technically my first triumph since entering Number 10, but you get the idea."
Merkel and Macron stare.
BJ: "Oh, harrumph, hang on, I didn't mean to say that last bit out loud, can we pretend I didn't? Just forget that last bit & help me get my Brexit plan in place."
The curtains close behind the coffin of Jacques Chirac and people rise from their seats.
BJ: "Well that's the dull bit over, where's the wake? Let's go & have a drink and talk about how great I am!"
"Lads?"
"Come back lads."
"LADS!"
<scene>
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